But I’m Trying.

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Life has given me a lot so far. I can’t complain, I love my life – I really do. Believing in myself has been one of the hardest things I’ve had to do, and life so far has only made that even harder. I have both underestimated and overestimated myself, and at certain times all at once. At the current moment in time, it seems like everything is tearing down at once. I don’t want to go into specifics, but I’m trying. I’m trying everyday to both cleanse my life and tamper with it at the same time. I don’t want a fresh start, though moving away sounds so beautiful, it does not sound beautifully chaotic – quite frankly, just chaotic. I want to know I am able to start over while not moving away from all of my problems, because I no longer want to avoid them. I want to learn from them, and I need problems to help me grow, process, and progress. Some lessons I value, that are currently changing my stance, value, and perspective are:

My silence serves no one.

I have spent my entire life keeping to myself, only relying on myself to solve my own problems, and not really letting people know that I have them – and if they know I have them they are unaware of the extent. I am going to try to be more vocal not to all, but to the ones I love. I want to understand the line between sharing too much and sharing nothing at all.

With this, comes the ability to be able to listen as well. This is something a lot of people need to work on, in my opion. When talking to friends, family, and other loved ones you should be able to talk about yourself with the ability of letting them do the same. Make people feel comfortable and loved, and try to have a sense of home everywhere. Remember it is important for yourself to express, just as it is for others.

You’re Still Trying.

Finding a middle ground to being a young feamle and wanting to conquer your own world can be tricky. Be aware of what you can and cannot do. Push yourself without breaking yourself and be able to sense what would break you and what would make you. Tough calls are not going to be the death of you, though. Be able to make those tough calls because those as well push you to grow. Though you can’t do everything that everyone in your life is doing right now, that’s okay. One day, you will be able to get there but at this age just keep in mind you are living your best for what your abilities are.

I have no use for these “bullet” points anymore, I have no valid points or arguements. I’m running low on my inspiration for this current subject now, even though the subject seems to be primarily me. With all of this, what I’m trying to say is though my heart is aching I am trying to do the best I can for myself and the ones surrounding me. My fuel is low though and I plan to fill up tomorrow while using the last of today’s to document.

best, c.r.

A Letter to My Younger Self

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Dear 13-year-old Cameron,

hey kid. it’s been a while. I’ve got a few things I’d like to tell you. So, here it goes, I hope you like your futuristic  kind of passive aggressive self.

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You’re about to enter a phase in your life where it seems trendy to hate yourself, and you will. Your friends will not help with that either – because they do too. Girls will not be nice to each other and it will soon turn into a frenzy. Girls will be vicious to each other and honestly, that never really changes – and you will never fully understand it either. Just try to be nice to everyone and continue to keep to yourself. I would recommend to branch out a little and don’t be as shy as you are until you decided to show yourself a little. Also little baby, boys aren’t everything. Boys are stupid in high school and I can guarantee you want different things than them (or at least over half of them). But it’s okay to cry over them, they can be very upsetting at times and noone will think less of you for breaking. Breaking down can be healthy, because you’re letting how you feel out. But also, don’t always push it to the point of a breakdown. Let your feelings out and express them, they matter, you matter, you are important, and you are enough. You’re going into high school, mostly hating all of your class. Not hating as in disliking them, you hate hating them through yourself because you are so sadly lacking self confidence. Get to know those people, not everyone hates you and you will make some amazing, but also not so amazing friends and memories. High school will be (hopefully) one of the hardest things in your life to overcome. You will always do average academically, but high school itself blows chunks. You will be sexualized and ultimately, not be able to do a thing about it. The word “pussy” will be used a bad thing or sign of weakness, but it is one of the strongest things on this planet. Being a woman is amazing but also exhausting, but never give up the fight. Your own principal will tell you when shaking your hand at graduation, “Keep fighting the good fight.” There is nothing wrong with being a feminist so come out of that closet sooner and vocalize your fight for your rights. You will also be stressed, you will be upset, you will be targeted, and you will not like yourself. Though there is no reason to dislike yourself really, but the more tragic things happen, the more you will hate yourself even more.IMG_1199 But life is beautiful, and I am beyond thankful that you convinced yourself not to end it, though it will be a constant heavy thought that weighs down your mind. Remember to always be open, always be kind, always be patient, and always remember you can be your priority. Don’t stress yourself out so much over little things, don’t fight with your boyfriend over things that don’t matter, but also never belittle yourself. A biggie, though there is nothing wrong with drinking, you will not be into it, but everyone, and I do mean everyone thinks you are. It’s okay if you do every now and then, but ultimately it is a good and safe idea to keep to yourself. And that’s the only big advice I have, keep to yourself and be kind. Also, stop plucking your eyebrows so much you little shit.

and be brave, little one.

 

-CR

midday thoughts

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I’m so tired, I’m so tired of being tired. But it’s not the kind of tired that sleep can fix. It’s not the kind of tired that is over when you wake up, it cannot be fixed with coffee or energy drinks. It’s no longer life I am tired of – no, I’ve never been tired of that – I’m tired of existing as a random person who walks and says little words and does the same thing everyday. I am tired of not being at peace everyday, and never knowing how it will be the next morning. My bones are aching and soul is heavy, and I’m tired. I’m tired of running and hiding and playing catch up with who I am. I’m tired of trying to cover up parts of me I’m not sure of and parts of me I don’t want to know, but I know I don’t want to scare other people. I can be wild, but all I really want to do is keep to myself for the rest of my life. I’m tired of having conversations I don’t want to have and faking my education of something I find useless. I’m tired of trying to meet a certain expectation made up by no one specific, but it’s still there – it’s still me – it’s who I am supposed to be. There has to be another way. Right? Because this isn’t life and this isn’t what you’re supposed to do everyday. Though everyone is tired, so that must mean no one is doing it right and no one has another way of living and no one has a solution for this expectation. I want everyone to live a day in someone else’s mind and see the violent emotions they feel. But I don’t want to die – no. I want to keep living, but I don’t want to keep living like this.


Midday Thoughts. CR

To the One That Loves Her Next

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She’s terrified of moths. She can kill other insects for you, but the line is drawn at moths. She does not fear to be alone or to be rejected, but the thought of a moth in the presence of her small and simple world, strikes a bone in her body. It makes her feel good knowing she can rely on you to take care of that. So if it’s late and you’re out with your buddies, and she texts you freaking out, go kill it. She will not sleep otherwise.

She is your stereotypical introvert. At times, you will not hear from her for hours and if she was able to ignore how it made you feel it would be days. She is not busy with others or herself, but time while being unbothered is important to her. You will take this personally, don’t. She misses you. She has trouble showing these things mostly because of fear, though trying to forget the wounds of her past that won’t let go of her, but she wants you there with her, just being around you will make her feel at home. Even laying with her and not saying a word, means so much to her, you will feel the energy beaming from her body. She would rather have you there in her alone time.

She’ll get very jealous. My god, does she get jealous. Those green eyes will turn into a deep gray. It can be the tiniest thing, once again trying to let go of her wounds that won’t seem to let go of her. Never wanting to get jealous and never says anything when she is, it’s built up inside of her because she thinks it bothersome to you. She will never blame you, or anyone but herself. She doesn’t mean for this to happen and would change that about herself if she could, she hates it. Just tell her you love her, though that won’t change her mind and the only thing that will is herself; tell her.

On that note she will need reassurance. Not every day and not extraordinarily much, but she likes to know how you care about her. Whether that be through words or actions, it’s important to her. She will show the same compassion, but will not do it if she does not feel it. She will say things softly, but mean so much. She will love you and show you with so much behind it, and when you around her – tell her. And if you can’t  do that, leave. She deserves more than that.

There would never be a time where she admits to needing help. For her, this is both a blessing and curse. She longs to be fiercely independent and never reliant on anything. But she’s so insecure, and it’s heartbreaking. Knowing how much it hurts so she prays others don’t feel the pain inside she does waking up every morning. She doesn’t believe in herself and when she starts the argument of “I won’t make this life” remind her of every reason why she will. She’ll come around.

Routine is never important but she likes to have stability. Living with her would be a beautiful catastrophe. Her messy behavior is something she’s been fighting her whole life. Wanting to be neat and regulated in her everyday life. She will clean and clean just to watch herself put everything out of order once again minutes later. She wants to live comfortably, and she is messily comfortable.

The reassurance of you reminding her how happy you are, not just with her. She wants you happy with life, happy with yourself – with or without her. For her it is important for you to realize who you are and how much you mean to this world and everyone who surrounds you, she tries to remind you of that.

But that’s how she is.

Pasta always comes first. Remember that.

Make her tea and remember the way she likes her coffee, she will notice that.

10 things that make me happy

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  • Saturday Mornings

Waking up with a fresh clean face. This is one of the few times (unfortunately) that I feel beautiful without makeup. Friday nights are usually pretty dull for me, on purpose. At the end of the week I am exhausted and all I want to do is go to sleep. Waking up on a Saturday morning, and laying in bed for however long I want to is just the best feeling in the world to me. Being able to look out my window and watch the sun or the wind in the trees from my bed is a whole other level of relaxation.

  • First Coffee of Your Day

Coffee, well, it’s not for everyone. But I’m not everyone. But when you wake up in the morning tired and anticipating a busy day ahead,  coffee is my jam. though it does not wake me up in any kind of way it just gets me ready for my day. I can get the shittiest brand of coffee, but still have it every morning. One of my favorite things about coffee is putting the creamer in it. If I’m not in a rush I will put my coffee in some sort of see through cup just so I can watch the creamer! I think the way you like your coffee says a lot about you as a person, but maybe that’s just me. But when you mix that something strong, something milky, and something sweet in your favorite mug, how could it not bring a smile to your face?

  • Seeing Girls Be Nice to Each Other

As much as us girls like to say there’s a lot of girl love in this world, there is not. Girls (and boys, don’t get me wrong) can be so nasty to each other. This is more than comments or likes on social media, though comments and likes are appreciated (help a girl out). By being nice to each other, I mean lifting one another up. A compliment can make someone’s day. So when I’m out and I see a girl rocking her outfit or I love the way she did her makeup, or a girl who is rocking her no makeup look I will go up and say,

Okay, wow, you look so good without makeup on, I envy your confidence.

Girl! I love that fit! Where do you shop??

I don’t mean to be weird, but you are so pretty! Your makeup is done so well, good for you!!

COMPLIMENT EACH OTHER. IT IS NOT A CRIME!

  • Laying Naked in Bed

This ties back to my Saturday Mornings. When I wake up in the morning, with a naked face, I think my body should match. Not only is it comfortable, but healthy as well. Letting your body free of tight clothes or any clothes at all and just letting it breathe is so important. (If you are a girl your vagina will love you!!) But when I am fresh out the shower, I sit with my towel on my head, in my bed, naked for at least 30 minutes. It’s a time to relax. Another thing it helps with, is your confidence. Seeing yourself, for everything that you are is so important. The more often you do it, the easier it is to accept.

  • Going Thrifting

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    Madison and I thrifting

Finding new things is so much fun. When thrifting, you just find so many things you wouldn’t find anywhere else, and for a very good deal. Most all of my clothes come from thrift stores here in my town. Before I went thrifting and I would want “vintage” clothing I would pay some crazy amounts online, but now I find all my vintage jeans and shirts at my local thrift stores. They are GREAT for high wasted shorts, and almost all of my big baggy sweaters are from thrift stores. LIFE HACK: little boy t shirt sections at thrift stores are great cheap crop tops.

  • Laying in the Sun

Whenever I am just too stressed out to live my life, I will go lay a blanket down in the grass. Plant myself on that blanket. Stretch out, get real comfy. Close my eyes. And just breathe. Feeling the way the sun is slipping into my skin and seeping through my clothes brings me such ease.

  • Making Sure my Sexual Education is Sufficient

I don’t know about you, but I care about equality. I care about women and men getting the same, having the same, and being viewed the same. So every now and then I will just read up on how people are treated, how to treat people, how everyone should be accepted, and how it is not yet like that. Reading all of these things, does not typically bring me ease, but fighting for them does. It is so important to me to keep my education updated and sufficient because you can’t fight for something if you have no idea what or who you are fighting for. What makes me happy, is enlightening people on how we need equality, but we have not yet reached it; but one day we can.

  • Fresh Beddingbed

Getting into bed after a long hard tiring day, is nice. But getting into a nice clean, smells like daffodils, and feels like a teddy bear bed, is so much nicer. Growing up I always wanted my bed near my window, and I suppose I usually got it. When the sun creeps through your windows and warms your sheets, getting into bed is just that much more relaxing.

  • After a Long Rainy Week, a Sunny Day

As much as I love the rain, the sound, the smell, the way it feels on my skin – I also love going outside, not having to sprint to my car and get soaking wet, but just simply be. Being able to put my favorite sunnies on, or being able to roll my windows down helps me. Scientifically, sunshine does make you happier. Places like Alaska, where the sun can disappear for days, suicide rates sky rocket. As sad as that is, it is true. Sunshine makes you feel good. Always take the time out of your day to soak it in and enjoy it.

  • Festive Activities

As much as I love Christmas (IN DECEMBER) we must not forget about Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is a time for your family to come together and spread love to each other and eat your stinkin hearts out! So when it’s November, do not talk to me about Santa Claus and Christmas lights. Talk to me about food and plan we can plan a Friendsgiving. With that said, eat your hearts out!! And tell your friends and family you love them this Thursday!!

Invest in Niceness.

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There is a man scattered, looking for a friend, for a shoulder, for a purpose. He is searching the streets broken and having to turn to no one, other than himself. His pain was a ritual, that he had to conduct in private. His elaborate symphony was a cry on a constant mute. A morning comes, he can simply no longer take this pain and grief. Going on a walk, places himself on the tracks of a large beast with no breaks. A beast with no heart, with no feeling. Stunned by the impact, there was the man. For the world to see, a broken man. Broken mentally, and physically. People surrounded, now caring, now seeing the man for a body, not a soul. No one to ask why, no one to blame. No one knows why, and that was their answer. There is a man scattered.

Remind me the purpose of arms.

There is a place to go. A place where you can feel at home. Never let anyone feel they cannot come to you to feel at home. We grow up believing we are on our own. We grow up thinking there is no one else you can run to, but yourself. Feeling alone. Blaming everything, everyone, but yourself. We call it accidents, rather than death. We call it a cry for attention, rather than suicide. We call it a man who died in his sleep, rather than a man whose stroke destroyed him. We call it an accident, rather than no healthcare. We do this so we can blame something else, someone else. Rather than saying “It was me. I only have myself to blame.” We run from the silent cries of other people rather than saying “It may not be okay, but I am here. I am here for you.”

Remind me the purpose of heart.

Show love. Know it means something greater than words, something greater than actions. It is a presence felt by the warmth of one another. It is the presence of something or someone, the satisfaction of knowing we are here. That we are here for something, we are here for a purpose. We are here for each other. When we call it a person, not a friend. We call it a cry for attention, rather than a cry for help. We call it silence, rather than giving up. We call it selfish, rather than a loss. We call it a moment, rather than a realization that we live outside of our screens. The moment of realization where all you must say is “It may not be okay, but I am here. I am here for you.”

Remind me of happiness. 

We live in a constant state of illusion. Let there be no purpose for us. We live in a world where it is frowned upon, people look at you differently; simply for feeling anything other than happiness. Happiness is not justified by common views, happiness can be found in the deepest darkest depths of our walls. We cannot accept we can find happiness in depression, we can find happiness in pain. Happiness is not defined by how big of a smile something puts on your face. Happiness comes when we feel a purpose, when we feel something struck in our bodies. We may feel as though we are nothing and why can’t we escape this feeling? Happiness can be felt when acceptance is. Accepting you are who you are, may that be for what you have done, or what you have been through. Happiness is seen when you can step back and see what is all around you.  We call it happiness, rather than an escape. We are accepted once we have heard, “It may not be okay, but I am here. I am here for you.”

Do not let an accident be what makes you remember the purpose of a body. Do not force yourself to forget something greater than yourself.

Invest in niceness.